The silent observer

Dude.. Are you jealous?

Echo.. Echo..

Our minds has this little voice, we usually use them to read silently. but the little voice in my head is saying other things..

No no, I haven't lost it, It's just that it's recalling a phrase that my bestfriend said..

He was in a long distance relationship, and I don't know why but he always begs me for tips on how to handle relationships, I don't know why either but everything I say makes sense, even if I haven't been in an actual relationship.

He asked for some tips because he gets jealous very easily. I can't blame him, they are, after all, in a long distance relationship, emotions like those can't be avoided, and emotions like that are natural to a human being.

I'm comfortable talking about almost everything with him, so he knows who my crushes are. Then. I told him that whom I am admiring.. is.. admiring another..

When we were talking, he brought up a topic that was now echoing throughout the depths of my brain..

"How about you ced, Aren't you jealous?"

I boastfully answered "Ofcourse not! Trust.. Trust my dear lad" and chuckled, but that.. That was by impulse, I didn't thought of that answer much.. but I am honest, I trust her.. but still..

She tends to tell stories to me every now and then, I enjoy that, but those stories about whom she's admiring.. "Yeah I think he's cool", "You should totally check him out", "Wow he seems like a nice guy".. I don't know why but these are the words I tend to reply after her stories.. stories of admiration.. admiration to another.. I replied those crap that leads guys to the friendzone! I replied those.. when it should be "What? I'm way too cooler than him", "Stop looking at him, look at me! Look at ME!", "I'm a great guy too.."

"That's what you get.. When you see your life through someone else's eyes"

"Thats what you get.. That's what you get.."

Alone, as it was.. as it always will be..

Why do I secretly post in this blog and secretly want others to secretly find this blog?

Anyways..

Days passed by after that alleged "Breakup" with her boyfriend. She's being strong, and I.. Being puzzled.

She isn't that bubbly anymore.. I can understand that, after going through all those things.. This random tantrums, I can deal with that, but ignoring me? Because I fell asleep? It's really shameful of what I did, true. Guys should be the one waiting on the girl and whatnot, so sleeping while conversing with her is probably a bad thing on my part.

I've done this in the past, she just smiles and says "It's alright", but now, she just completely ignores me. after saying it's fine (which is I know not because of her ignoring me)


"Our Lives are made, In these small hours"

A day before..

I have my problems too.. what about me? this was the day my aunt took away her piano, she has a hoarding-like-greed towards her items, She took it away, said that she uses it every now and then, uses it? Spiders have a nest there when I first picked that piano keyboard up!

I poured my anger to my pillow, punching it helplessly like it's the one responsible for the hatred and betrayal that I'm feeling, then it came to me, "I should text her.. She always calms me down".

Then there it was.. My phone.. Silent.. Not ringing.. Not a single reply from her.




HonCloSpec1 [Justdubs.net]

Rewrite | Myspace Video
"You filled everyone's hearts with a warm kindness
everyone ran to you when they felt lonely
but i wonder where you go who hold you when you're going through a rough time?"
I don't mean to brag, and I'm far-fetched from being lohmeyer, but I let others come to me when they have problems, I always do my best to cheer them up, even my friend that's claimed "unbearable" by others, I always cheer them up, I make them feel special.. But how.. How about me.. Where do I go? Where do I ran to when I'm going through a rough time?

I thought I would be happier..

I went crazy and told someone that I like her.

It's not that I'm crazy, it's just that she's too precious, too precious for me to let the opportunity pass..

Well, she is, she's a keeper, her boyfriend also thinks so too.

Recent events unfold right in front of my eyes, the fighting, the heartaches, the misunderstanding, the tears, but not between me and her, but between them, two lovers both competing on who loves who the most, the competition was fierce, peoples getting involved, daily lives were being affected, until she can't take no more, she bucked up and ended it once and for all.

Her boyfriend says that he loved her more, but he cared less for her, that he cared more for her past lover that cheated and betrayed him. To think, the guy that you gave your heart and soul, your life, ultimately your existence, revolves around him, and after all of that, you're being told that you're not worth more than a cheating backstabbing liar.

I am not the one to talk, these are just my opinion.


"Sweep you off your feet girl, your perfect little feet girl"



I thought I would be happier.. she's free.. I can make her my world now.. I was WRONG.

I told myself that I would wait, wait for them to cut off their bonds, the ribbon that ties them together, I told myself that he didn't deserve a woman like her, I told myself that she would be happier with me. I told myself that I'll court her after breaking up with his lover. but now, I can't even talk to myself anymore.

I.. Again.. Am CRAZY..

Thinking things for others? WHO AM I to say that he didn't deserve her? WHO AM I to say that she'll be happier with me? WHO AM I to be the solution to the sadness that she's going though?

But I really saw something in her, that unexplained feeling that I got when she stepped into the room, the first time I saw her, I told myself that I like her, I talked and talked to her, and told myself that I love her, I got to know her better, and told myself that I need her.

Apparently, she's the one who won. she's the one weeping, crying alone every night, and here I am, helpless, it's like reality's saying "LOOK, THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED RIGHT?"


"These days aren't easy anymore.."

Lifelines being cut down

What is a lifeline? the definition of the word "Lifeline" is..

"An anchored line thrown as a support to someone falling or drowning."

So in a drowning situation, what would you think you'd feel if you know that any moment.. that lifeline that you hold dear.. will break or snap any moment?

I've felt that for days, the one who you hold dear, slowly drifts apart from you.

Sadly, when you thought that she's different from the others.. you start to think that she's much worse but it's only natural, I for one thinks that it's a primal instinct of a human to feel such in a situation.

She wasn't like the others, she was just longing, longing for the things she missed. things that I haven't felt before, never felt even once, with one of the reason that no one's ever made me feel that way.

I love her so I can't bring myself to hate her, I even miss her, I promised to only devote my love to her..
but I'm no pair..
no special person..
I'm to be only treated as her brother.

As the rope breaks slowly in front of me, I start to question myself..

"What did I do wrong?
Was my love not enough?
Did she loved me from the start? or worse..
Was I alone right from the start?

I started changing my mindset, my views, how I handle things, life can never give you handicap, it's fair by being unfair to all, things would never be the same, it never is.

I never regretted having this as my role in her life, I'm even thankful to what role she gave me, because of that, I've felt different, not special, different..

"Once a rope breaks, it can easily be tied up, but no matter how good the tie is, you can clearly see that there's a knot, holding the tie together in place"

The answer to the sadness is sadness

Maybe..

Maybe..

I always question myself, what can I say, I live curious..

Now I question myself why did I go there in the first place, is it because the coldness? is it because of the desire to want somebody? to feel the emotion of being needed by someone?

I was perfectly happy adoring her from afar, there were just those days that I forget, and then the days went on, until I lost sight of her..

I searched for something, and found something, but in the end, that something wasn't mine..

The questioning part came..

In a parallel universe,
could it be mine?
if I took that door instead of this,
could it be mine?


Was that something ever attached to me in the first place? was it all genuine that was just taken by someone because of the lack of guts that I have? was it all a lie to entertain me?

We'll never know, I'll just regret.. I know.. It's my fault anyways..

There must be something more..

I thought i've forgotten about her, I think I did, but why am I still saying these kinda stuff?, hmm, Im really confused right now, and to boot it all up, My 2 favorite band released both of their own new song! the other one is posted at "Let Me In" and this is the other one,

Enjoy!




Thanks to vesley26 My friend for uploading this video, I hope many were pleased about this not being a rickroll :D

Glaring at the lights

The party was great, so is she.

We just had a party of our lives, everything formal and what not, Then, Mr. President came up with a crazy but brilliant presentation for the party.

(a week before the party)

Guys your going to do this.......

We all listened to him, looked at each other, gulped with goosebumps, and pointed at each other for who will do what.

(at the party)

We did what we had to do, I hope we made Mr. President proud,

(while performing)

We were catching our breath, we walked up to the stage, my friend suggested we scream our warcry to lessen our fears, all of the people were standing up, looking at us, then we danced.. unbelievably, the crowd was pleased.

Then I saw her.. with the hundreds of audiences watching us, she's the one I've noticed.

I danced.. Putting on a happy face for the crowd, while inside I just want to be alone, thinking why I admired her in the first place.

Then before we knew it, the presentation was over, we got back to our tux and coats,

Then when I was about to dance in the dancefloor.

She was gone..

I danced, looking at the lights, going in the smokes, dancing with the crowd.

When I came home and got to bed..

I didnt thought of the party, I thought of her..

Letting go..

I really have to stop this madness.

why am I here in the first place?


"Im stuck here in this life
I didn't asked for"


that gentle face, that long hair, those brown eyes, forget it, forget it ALL!
(easier said than done)

Do I need her to slap me in the face and tell me "I dont like you, Okay? Bug off"
yeah, probably, that's what I need.

I know I said this a hundred times, but I need to try to forget about her..


Lets just wait and see where this life goes..

I friggin hate myself

"Maybe its just me..."


I dont want to go through all details, illjust reinact it by telling a made up story :D

"There I was on the gates of the portal, I came too early than I have expected, it was about an hour before the portal opens, there, I saw my guild mate, she was waiting for a friend of mine to drop by, she was going to borrow a spell converter, she has an upcoming test in her class, she bid me farewell after 20 minutes or so, I was frustrated, I know my guildmates will come at the portal at exact time, so I still have 40 minutes to kill, then I nod my head down, trying to close my eyes and hopefully doze off for a couple of minutes, then, all of a sudden, I heard footsteps coming up the stairway, before I look up on who that was, I told myself that she would be the last one that I expected, and there she was, I stand corrected, she had her band on, with a long, straight hair, having that innocent look in her eyes, I was stunned, then, It came to me, 'this is a good time to finally talk to her' then after a minute I found myself downstars, drinking OJ's, I went pass her on purpose, thats how shy I am, after I finished my OJ, I went back up the portal docks to look for her, a guildmate of mine was there too, he just came in, I looked up and saw that i'ts almost time for the portal to open up, I knew where she was on the portal docks, I just dont want to look, then we went in the portal, the moment gone, the time, irreversable, the future, unpredictable,"

(//.T) I friggin hate myself, I let that opportunity passed by, and the only one to suffer is ME...

Walk with caution

"why do you do this to me..
why do you do this so.. easily.."



The curse is yet again intoxicating me, a surprised attack was the least that i've expected, thought she caught me off guard, she stand corrected.

My fragile heart was surprised that the one who made it fragile came back for more, i dont know how, i dont know why, my strategy is falling apart.

A good chat with her made a shook to my plans, plans on forgetting her, but from the cuts that was left by the experiences,


"I maybe sad
but im not weak"


Surprisingly, its not that big of a deal for me now, but still


"But somehow your words, the way that I heard are haunting me
You're under my skin, you?re BREAKING IN"


Lets just see where this goes. im too fragile to open up again, one more time and I'll shatter :X

She's still cute

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Thank god the emotions fading away, but even if I try ro ignore her, one glimpse at her and im back where I starter,

I dont know if she's looking at me, or im being dillusional
but for now



"feel the beat now, if you got nothing left
I dont wanna be in love, I dont wanna be in love"

You are a drug

The process of forgetting her is really going great, but when I was browsing through youtube, I came across a new song from secondhand serenade,

My sleeping emotions got triggered again, hmm, Ill try to fade it out after two or three days







"you are a drug, I cannot quit you
you are a drug, Im still lonely with you"



I really must stop this madness :(

You Rock My World.... into Oblivion

Songs really hypen up an emotion when a song is written for that kind of situation, for example, the songs that was created by the band you can see above





(I went all the trouble of doing this arrow sign, man I really love that band, I hope you dont let my efforts be in vain)

The song he (vesley) has written was inspired by his ex-wife/ex-girlfriend (as usual, short on the research part, man I really got to get a net at my house) on what their situation was or today, which can many relate to, because those situations are mostly common to what's happening between a couple, whether good or bad, better OR worse.

Those songs really made me realize on what im feeling right now, though not directly stated, I was rejected, I cant get all the details myself, but she's ditching me, She could've told me straight if she hates me and stuff, not like this, those things are effin with my thoughts, my feelings, Its driving me crazy, im going mad, the sad part is, Im on my own.

Hope this things never happen to you guys, for those shy guys out there, please dont be, you wont get peace with you and your toughts if you let an opportunity pass by.

for me


"I swore to myself im content with loneliness,
cause none of it was ever worth the risk"


for now, I just wanna sit back, relax, eff - off my thoughts of love, chill with my friends, while im at it, ill be waiting, waiting for the one who "will let me in"

The Verge of Destruction

The end is getting near, not for the earth, but for me, and this strange feeling i've felt for the past months, its like im losing a war that was never fought, and my enemy winning by a huge difference but never knew she was in a war in the first place.

For those past months, i've been a stalker, well, maybe thats not the right word for it, And for the no-communication part, I went berserk, and at the same time frustrated, I need to know the real reason for the breakoff, so I consulted a friend of mine about the situation at hand, she said "she's ditching you bro, she could've ditched you in a nice way if you asked me". you may wonder what's this all about, let's just put it this way, once we were talking, and now I think she doesnt know I exist.

Good thing I have this vacation, to relax my body and my mind, the best part here is the "Not-Seeing-Her" part, so I can't be frustrated about what happened, thus, I concluded to myself, "Let go, dont continue this madness anymore", and so it is, I went to my friend's house to take of my mind on whats needed to be forgotten,

Me and my friend has a lot in common in the loving part, she got rejected 12 times, and im shy, so, i've let 3 opportunity pass by, well, as you can see, the numbers are of far difference, but for him, 1 or 2 of those girls accepted him into their hearts, the bummer part is they were seperated by distance, nothing he can do about, then we're doing a hobby together, luckily, he really helped out on the forgetting part.

"How can I forget her when every paragraph above mentioned her?"

The Cold

Its too cold, too cold for me to sleep, too cold for me to move, too cold for me to cry.

Rain is getting more and more as the days pass by, as for the scar she left me bleeds, no one can patch up the wound, it hurts too much, why do I have to be like this..

Loving someone from afar is not that fun, why do I have to be shy, when you adore someone from a distance, you appreciate every bit of communication or every bit of time she spent including you, even if that time is'nt directly for you, you still cherish that time.. that split second moment.. where you think that the world just stopped for the two of you.. the drawback to this is, she doesnt know about this, at all.

Im being dillusional, thinking that "quote" means something, but when there is'nt any feeling at all, a quote is just a word combined together to form a heart-touching LIE, This is where my heart feeds from his needs of the so-called LOVE, but now, my heart is dying of this hunger, eating crumbs like that, little did I know that those crumbs were like junkfoods, junkfoods that give you that jumpy feeling, but for only a moment,

I want to cut myself, but for what? im not that insane, but if you think about it, what will happen if I cut myself? will that cut help me get near her? will that cut tell her what's happening? no, that cut will only stack up to the unexplainable dying feeling thats been inside.

I've been living in a lie from the start, and I knew about it..

the worst part is..

I KEPT ON MOVING FORWARD :(

Im confused

My head is aching, aching tired of thinking, thinking of her, the question is, why do I even bother, she barely know that I exist, yet I go thinking that maybe she has this feeling too? what a sick joke, I think something's wrong with me, or maybe because this is how its suppose to feel? this is how I should react, or maybe this is the real thing... and maybe this is the first time.

I figured out how to end this once and for all. (No not suicide, but im working on that, Joke :D), why dont I just walk up to her, say what I feel, and wait for her response, or maybe there's a fly that flew in my face, and by accident, I slapped my head point blank that shook my brain into thinking this, of course NOT! but oh how I wish thats how its simple.

But then again, what can be holding me back from telling her what I feel? I keep telling myself that I shouldnt have a girlfriend until im worthit, until I graduate, until land a job, until I get a stable career, until I repay my parents, Thats got to be it.... is it?.... :c

while thinking about that "Untill then, Untill now," thing, I came across something..

back then when I was a child, I was addicted to video games, I keep playing the same game untill I get better at it, back then I never failed a subject, never repeated a grade, though my marks arent that of a "to-be-proud" of, I never failed. I got a failing grade, but I made it up to the finals.

After all thats said and done. To summarize on what Im emphasizing at. ill tell it strait to my face, "arent I just afraid of being rejected?, arent I just afraid of rejection?"

(//.-)

Why Is forbidden things feel so good?

Jealousy..

Is when you despise someone for having a centain thing that isnt within your grasp.

Love..

Is what you feel towards a special person, and sometimes, for somewhat unexplainable reason.

Jealousy..

Is when you desire to recreate or if possible steal the thing you're jealous about.

Love..

Is shared by two person feeling a strange but delightful feeling towards others.

Can it be jealousy?
There's no relation.. thus no love..
So am I jealous?
But there's nothing to be jealous about?

Things are starting to run in and out of my mind since I started thinking of her.
I've felt this way before, I've felt it many times actually, All in the last minute, Because when I feel this feeling, Next day you'll know is they have a boyfriend, they'll be moving out, I cant see them again because its graduation, things like that..

(But now..)

All this is because of my cowardness, my shyness, not having the courage..

(Now, Maybe now..)

But is this the right thing?

(Yes, Now.. Now will definitely..)

No, its not, its not the time, I still have things to do, things to prove, I still have to make them happy

(But am I happy? I want her.. I want her bad..)

But do I have a choice?..

(Do I?..)

The Thing About Being Single (DarkSide)

To others, Being Single is Okay, flirting with others and that, I hate to say it but I have that virtue as well, but late at night, when I stare point blank at the ceiling, it hit me, and made me wonder what if...

What if I have someone with in this empty bed of mine?, someone to stare with me on that ceiling up above, looking with me, no questions asked..

what if I have someone to hold at this cold night?, to drive away that cold night, with her warm hug, and a kiss that can melt my heart into unconsciousness, waking up with her in my arms..

what if I stopped thinking about this? what if I shut my mind up and go to sleep? and in the morning, tell that girl thats been on my mind about how I feel?.

"Oh Sure Easy for you to WRITE, why dont you do it?"(hey who said that??).

But whoever that was, hes right, why dont I just do what I just wrote? why bother myself thinking about this things? well, thats because of my lack of strenght, in short "SHY" Im not proud to say that im one of those person, but maybe.. maybe im not shy, maybe I just dont want to hurt others, maybe I just dont want to get hurt, maybe im just waiting for the right one, or maybe im just making all these excuse up.. (//_T).

__Am I just thinking of her To forget about her?

TheSecondhandProject

Hello guys, This Blog will be Dedicating its time to giving you heartaches, well, thats too much, here i'll post secondhand serenade themes to create that sad mood for the blog,

Im not sad or anything, but sometimes I am, so I decided to do a "Emo" based blog, I Dont want to be all talk, lets just wait and see where this blog will be heading..