Dude.. Are you jealous?

Echo.. Echo..

Our minds has this little voice, we usually use them to read silently. but the little voice in my head is saying other things..

No no, I haven't lost it, It's just that it's recalling a phrase that my bestfriend said..

He was in a long distance relationship, and I don't know why but he always begs me for tips on how to handle relationships, I don't know why either but everything I say makes sense, even if I haven't been in an actual relationship.

He asked for some tips because he gets jealous very easily. I can't blame him, they are, after all, in a long distance relationship, emotions like those can't be avoided, and emotions like that are natural to a human being.

I'm comfortable talking about almost everything with him, so he knows who my crushes are. Then. I told him that whom I am admiring.. is.. admiring another..

When we were talking, he brought up a topic that was now echoing throughout the depths of my brain..

"How about you ced, Aren't you jealous?"

I boastfully answered "Ofcourse not! Trust.. Trust my dear lad" and chuckled, but that.. That was by impulse, I didn't thought of that answer much.. but I am honest, I trust her.. but still..

She tends to tell stories to me every now and then, I enjoy that, but those stories about whom she's admiring.. "Yeah I think he's cool", "You should totally check him out", "Wow he seems like a nice guy".. I don't know why but these are the words I tend to reply after her stories.. stories of admiration.. admiration to another.. I replied those crap that leads guys to the friendzone! I replied those.. when it should be "What? I'm way too cooler than him", "Stop looking at him, look at me! Look at ME!", "I'm a great guy too.."

"That's what you get.. When you see your life through someone else's eyes"

"Thats what you get.. That's what you get.."

Alone, as it was.. as it always will be..

Why do I secretly post in this blog and secretly want others to secretly find this blog?

Anyways..

Days passed by after that alleged "Breakup" with her boyfriend. She's being strong, and I.. Being puzzled.

She isn't that bubbly anymore.. I can understand that, after going through all those things.. This random tantrums, I can deal with that, but ignoring me? Because I fell asleep? It's really shameful of what I did, true. Guys should be the one waiting on the girl and whatnot, so sleeping while conversing with her is probably a bad thing on my part.

I've done this in the past, she just smiles and says "It's alright", but now, she just completely ignores me. after saying it's fine (which is I know not because of her ignoring me)


"Our Lives are made, In these small hours"

A day before..

I have my problems too.. what about me? this was the day my aunt took away her piano, she has a hoarding-like-greed towards her items, She took it away, said that she uses it every now and then, uses it? Spiders have a nest there when I first picked that piano keyboard up!

I poured my anger to my pillow, punching it helplessly like it's the one responsible for the hatred and betrayal that I'm feeling, then it came to me, "I should text her.. She always calms me down".

Then there it was.. My phone.. Silent.. Not ringing.. Not a single reply from her.




HonCloSpec1 [Justdubs.net]

Rewrite | Myspace Video
"You filled everyone's hearts with a warm kindness
everyone ran to you when they felt lonely
but i wonder where you go who hold you when you're going through a rough time?"
I don't mean to brag, and I'm far-fetched from being lohmeyer, but I let others come to me when they have problems, I always do my best to cheer them up, even my friend that's claimed "unbearable" by others, I always cheer them up, I make them feel special.. But how.. How about me.. Where do I go? Where do I ran to when I'm going through a rough time?

I thought I would be happier..

I went crazy and told someone that I like her.

It's not that I'm crazy, it's just that she's too precious, too precious for me to let the opportunity pass..

Well, she is, she's a keeper, her boyfriend also thinks so too.

Recent events unfold right in front of my eyes, the fighting, the heartaches, the misunderstanding, the tears, but not between me and her, but between them, two lovers both competing on who loves who the most, the competition was fierce, peoples getting involved, daily lives were being affected, until she can't take no more, she bucked up and ended it once and for all.

Her boyfriend says that he loved her more, but he cared less for her, that he cared more for her past lover that cheated and betrayed him. To think, the guy that you gave your heart and soul, your life, ultimately your existence, revolves around him, and after all of that, you're being told that you're not worth more than a cheating backstabbing liar.

I am not the one to talk, these are just my opinion.


"Sweep you off your feet girl, your perfect little feet girl"



I thought I would be happier.. she's free.. I can make her my world now.. I was WRONG.

I told myself that I would wait, wait for them to cut off their bonds, the ribbon that ties them together, I told myself that he didn't deserve a woman like her, I told myself that she would be happier with me. I told myself that I'll court her after breaking up with his lover. but now, I can't even talk to myself anymore.

I.. Again.. Am CRAZY..

Thinking things for others? WHO AM I to say that he didn't deserve her? WHO AM I to say that she'll be happier with me? WHO AM I to be the solution to the sadness that she's going though?

But I really saw something in her, that unexplained feeling that I got when she stepped into the room, the first time I saw her, I told myself that I like her, I talked and talked to her, and told myself that I love her, I got to know her better, and told myself that I need her.

Apparently, she's the one who won. she's the one weeping, crying alone every night, and here I am, helpless, it's like reality's saying "LOOK, THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED RIGHT?"


"These days aren't easy anymore.."

Lifelines being cut down

What is a lifeline? the definition of the word "Lifeline" is..

"An anchored line thrown as a support to someone falling or drowning."

So in a drowning situation, what would you think you'd feel if you know that any moment.. that lifeline that you hold dear.. will break or snap any moment?

I've felt that for days, the one who you hold dear, slowly drifts apart from you.

Sadly, when you thought that she's different from the others.. you start to think that she's much worse but it's only natural, I for one thinks that it's a primal instinct of a human to feel such in a situation.

She wasn't like the others, she was just longing, longing for the things she missed. things that I haven't felt before, never felt even once, with one of the reason that no one's ever made me feel that way.

I love her so I can't bring myself to hate her, I even miss her, I promised to only devote my love to her..
but I'm no pair..
no special person..
I'm to be only treated as her brother.

As the rope breaks slowly in front of me, I start to question myself..

"What did I do wrong?
Was my love not enough?
Did she loved me from the start? or worse..
Was I alone right from the start?

I started changing my mindset, my views, how I handle things, life can never give you handicap, it's fair by being unfair to all, things would never be the same, it never is.

I never regretted having this as my role in her life, I'm even thankful to what role she gave me, because of that, I've felt different, not special, different..

"Once a rope breaks, it can easily be tied up, but no matter how good the tie is, you can clearly see that there's a knot, holding the tie together in place"

The answer to the sadness is sadness

Maybe..

Maybe..

I always question myself, what can I say, I live curious..

Now I question myself why did I go there in the first place, is it because the coldness? is it because of the desire to want somebody? to feel the emotion of being needed by someone?

I was perfectly happy adoring her from afar, there were just those days that I forget, and then the days went on, until I lost sight of her..

I searched for something, and found something, but in the end, that something wasn't mine..

The questioning part came..

In a parallel universe,
could it be mine?
if I took that door instead of this,
could it be mine?


Was that something ever attached to me in the first place? was it all genuine that was just taken by someone because of the lack of guts that I have? was it all a lie to entertain me?

We'll never know, I'll just regret.. I know.. It's my fault anyways..